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Topic: Funny Emails! (Read 126 times)

Mestari
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Funny Emails!
« Thread Started on Mar 24, 2007, 4:25pm »

Female Combacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are
you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a Golden thimble
set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious."You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up
with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with
my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care
of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Thanks to the Irish for bringing their sense of humor to America !

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

-----------------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

---------------------------------

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

ababab
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

--------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

-----------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

---------------------------

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way t! o bed.& amp; amp; amp; lt; BR>
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

OMFG! Hilarious right? Post your comments!

« Last Edit: Mar 24, 2007, 4:29pm by Mestari »

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Aspen
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Re: Funny Email!
« Reply #1 on Mar 24, 2007, 4:34pm »

That's hilarious. I have some creepy, but true, stories.

Story 1: A girl was going back to her dorm to get some stuff before she went to stay the night with her boyfriend. It was about 11:30 at night so when she arrived there the lights were turned off. She left them off since she figured her roomate was sleeping and gathered her stuff and left. The next day, on her way back to her dorm she saw some police cars. She ran to her dorm to find police everywhere. When she asked what was going on they simply told her that her friend had been murdered the night before. As she walked through the dorm, there written in blood on the walls was , "You better be glad you didn't turn the lights on."

Story 2: A girl awoke in the middle of the night to something biting her cheek. When she asked her mother what it was her mother simply replied, "Oh it's probably just a spider bite, it'll go away." As the days went by, the sore got bigger and bigger like a humongous pimple. One day as she was taking a hot shower, the bite burst open and thousands of baby spiders came pouring out. Turns out, the spider hadn't bit her, it had laid it's eggs in her.

I was totally freaked out!!

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Aspen
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Mestari
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Re: Funny Emails!
« Reply #2 on Mar 24, 2007, 4:35pm »

OMG! Freaky!

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Tilani
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Re: Funny Emails!
« Reply #3 on Mar 25, 2007, 2:19pm »

Wow. Something creepy happened to me last year. It was more like "WTF?" instead scary, but my friends and I are still kinda freaked out by it...

Last year, there was this guy who looked just like Pete Wentz (from Fall OUt Boy, if you know who that is). Just like him. I saw him after 6th period, and pointed him out to my Pete-crazed friend Poison (nickname). That same night, I had a very-realistic dream about him. It started at a park-type thing. My mom and his parents had met and were talking. Our eyes met, and instantly, the scene was changed. It was just the two of us, and we were dressed normally, in jeans and stuff. The scene was a faded brown (like that out of a very old picture). He was sitting on a wooden fence, and I was leaning against it. I asked him what his name was, and he responded with "Oh, My name's Ray."

Few days later, Poison and Reaper (also a nickname) went up to one of his friends, and asked what his name was. I had been watching them, as his friend was larger than both of them, and I was prepared to go beat the crap out of him, if need be. They oth turned to stare at me, and I was beginning to get alittle freaked out. Poison and Reaper walked back, and sat down at the table, both still quiet. The other people at the table and I asked what his name was. In unison, they responded with "His name is Raymond Bates, but everyone calls him Ray." We were all weirded out.

Then, every day, we stole my friend Ruben's binder, and made him run around screaming random things. One was "I love Raymond Bates!" and the other was "Raymond Bates got me pregnant!" And yes, Ruben is a guy. The funny thing was, we always did this after 6th period, where Raymond has his class near us. And yes, Raymond heard him. I know because of the weird-ass looks we all got. Not that I should be surprised.

After that, we dared Poison to ask Ray out. She did, after school was out. Wanna know what he said? "I would, if you weren't so short?" I was ready to kick his sorry ass. I couldn't, cuz I had a doctor's appointment, and had to run.

And that is my completely random piece of work.

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Siiri
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Re: Funny Emails!
« Reply #4 on Mar 26, 2007, 11:03am »

*Rolls around on the floor laughing* Funny stuff.

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Mestari
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Re: Funny Emails!
« Reply #5 on Mar 26, 2007, 4:36pm »

I know, xD

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Nitro
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Re: Funny Emails!
« Reply #6 on May 4, 2007, 4:14am »

lmfao HELL YEAH!!!

Awesome ^^

**might post somethin later once fully awake..O_o**

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